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Ten Things Franklin Delano Donuthead tries to avoid:
1.Motor
vehicles (whenever possible-According to the National Safety Department,
this is by far the most likely way to die as a kid.)
2.Bodies
of water (drowning is number two)
3.Matches
(Most house fires are started by a child playing with matches)
4.Firearms
(Entirely too dangerous for anyone to handle.Especially
someone with my lack of coordination or grace.
5.Climbing
trees, ladders, or fences (because of the possibility of broken bones of
course)
6.Girls
(Girls I do not understand.Girls cannot be measured
in anyway.Mathematics, physics, and chemistry do
not apply to anything wearing a barrette or a gold bracelet.)
7.Baseball
(Even though my mother desperately wants me to grow up and play third base
for the New York Yankees)
8.School
buses without seatbelts (Needless to say, I always position myself just
in back of the driver to take advantage of the extra protection offered
by the plastic barrier located behind her head.Originally
intended to shield the bus driver from spitballs, it might hold the weight
of my body in a minor impact situation.
9.Field
trips to farms (you never know if a cow is going to lick you or a tractor
will fall on you)
10.Sarah
Kervick (When I first saw her I’m sure my mouth just hung open.I’d
never seen a finer host for parasites than the girl staring back at me.When
Ms. Linski told her to sit next to me I knew in less than thirty seconds,
she would be sitting close enough for her fleas to change their address.Oklahoma
Sequoyah Children’s Book Award nominee, 2005-2006
